One Cruel Summer’s Day

“He got my heart beat / Skipping down 16th Avenue.” — Taylor Swift, “I Think He Knows (Taylor’s Version)”

“And I never knew I could feel that much.” — Taylor Swift, “The Way I Loved You (Taylor’s Version)”

Note: this post was written on Sep 14 but published on Oct 7.

Moving Out and In Part 2

As I was packing my bags today, I noticed a lot of my clothes didn’t fit me anymore. I just didn’t bother to look deeper in the drawer unless I couldn’t find something that fit. So, a lot of clothes naturally sank to the bottom like cold water.

It was emotional because as my mom was berating me about how disorganized I am, I knew I wouldn’t hear it again for a while.

I never knew organizing clothes could be so emotional, but I had many flashbacks to the past. For instance, I found o-rings for my braces in my old pants pocket, which I haven’t used in at least a year.

It’s funny how much my world has changed in these last four years, and I would like to thank people for being there, even if I dislike them, because without darkness the light cannot shine.

All That Love and Emotion

This has been an emotional summer for me, with someone mentioned in my previous posts, in “Smort”.

In that post, I mentioned that she liked me. As it turns out, we liked each other. For the last two months, we’ve basically called for hours every day, to the point of ruining both our sleep schedules. It’s sorta funny how obsessed we were with each other, watching shows and listening to songs. However, she is going to an east coast school (a classic story for long-time followers of the blog).

So, she started school about two weeks ago and has been busy ever since. A week ago, she proposed that we simply be friends, which meant deleting most of our contacts other than Instagram. I agreed because I couldn’t see a way to make long distance work. However, what I really wanted was to be good friends that can still talk to each other. After a heated argument, we cut all ties. Today, I tried reaching out again, and we burned the bridge.

Replaceable Parts

I played Civ 6 for a bit after the break up and found an technology called “Replaceable Parts” that gives access to mechanized infantry, which reminded me of how feelings work.

This is sort of cynical (I’ll get to that later) but essentially everyone’s emotional and general attention has a set amount that can be distributed among current physical, mental, and emotional tasks. So, for example, if you’re playing video games, you will not be able to do squats at the same time without feeding your ass off.

Within the part of our attention given to others, it is supposed to be balanced with the attention received. If not, there will be a surplus or shortage which leads to excess pleasure or pain. So, if your friend doesn’t care about you anymore, then just find another friend. This is what makes the world go around, sort of like photosynthesis.

Detachment Dichotomy

Of course, this isn’t what actually happens most of the time. People get emotionally attached, making it difficult to move on from the last person they interacted with. In this mode, it’s possible that there will be a very noticable amount of sadness when the relationship ends, but also that there will be more happiness during it; in other words, high-risk, high-reward.

On the other hand, when people are emotionally detached, it’s easy to avoid sadness, but harder to feel happy. Think of it as a way to feel consistently neutral.

Overall, both types of people will feel the same on average throughout their lives, otherwise, people would catch on that others are happier than themselves. That’s actually a good lesson: you probably won’t be happier living someone else’s life. Celebrities may wish to return to a life of peace and quiet, but those creatures crave the attention of the masses like a drug they couldn’t live without.

It’s up to individuals on how to operate, but personally, I choose emotional investment.

Go for Gold

People will live for about 80 years and then die. Before that, I think it would be best to experience the highest highs and lowest lows. If one tries to play it safe and never emotionally invest, it’s very easy to become isolated and unsatisfied.

Sure, it won’t lead to heartbreak or pain, but living without experiencing the best that life has to offer is like not living at all.